Recorded Sighting #32 -The Chicken Boo (1889)

“The Chicken Boo Peeks from Amongst the Trees on a Black Forest Path” (1889) – Partially colourized daguerreotype taken by the soon to be ill-fated forest ranger Heinz Immelmann somewhere near Falkensteig, The Black Forest, Germany.

The Chicken Boo is large and flightless fiend, weighing in at several hundred kilos and with a height of over twelve meters. This malevolent creature is the by-product of a bizarre Chicken breeding experiment at the Franz Kafka & Sons experimental poultry plant on the outskirts Freiburg.

In an attempt to create a gigantic “Wünder Egg” so large that each individually could provide a whole town with its breakfast needs; Kafka and his two sons bred a common garden Bantam Hen with some unknown and devilish sire.

The preliminary results seemed promising enough when their Egg initially weighed in at an impressive three kilos, but worry soon crept up once the Kafka’s realized that their prototype Wünder Egg was quadrupling in size every hour. At some point in the day the Wünder Egg had gotten so large that they decided to bar the door of the Chicken coop in alarm and Franz Jr. volunteered for over-night guard duty.

At the stroke of midnight the burgeoning Wünder Egg hatched and Chicken Boo was born. In an instant, this fearsome fowl had smashed forth with brute force from the confines of the coop, killing Franz Jr. and escaping into the wilds of The Black Forest. To this day, those hiking in the Black Forest region dread to hear the terrible clucking of The Chicken Boo echoing amongst the trees. For few who hear it, live to tell the tale.

Recorded Sighting #34 - The Wandering Mariner-(1979)

“The Wandering Mariner Attacks a Beachside Resort” (1979) This incredible shot was taken by eccentric beachcomber Lambshanks Mc Gettigan on the shores of Sandy Bay, Gibraltar.

One part sea-creature, all parts nightmare, The Wandering Mariner has terrorized coastal towns, cruise ships and resorts since the early 1960’s. First rising from the waters of Bikini Atoll during a period of intense nuclear weapons testing in the area, this aquatic beastie has resisted hundreds of attempts to either kill or capture it in the decades since.

The Wandering Mariner is not just a fishlike entity, but has long arms and lanky legs which enable it to stalk ashore whenever it pleases. It has also been noted that The Mariner has shown a voracious appetite for sunscreens and fake tans, displaying a proclivity for first devouring those beach side residents and bathers which have slathered themselves in such products. One commentator described this behaviour as “A gruesome parody of someone carefully selecting their favourite chocolates from an assortment”.

This unusual quirk has also necessitated the movement of any sunscreen and fake tan factories or storage facilities away from vulnerable shore lines, for fear of attracting The Wandering Mariner towards populated areas. Military strategists and members of the Monster Containment Bureau are said to currently be devising a plan to use oil tankers full of Scorchio Sunscreen to bait this maritime menace into an ironclad trap.  

Recorded Sighting #36 - Professor Eldritch Von Der Void (1932)

“Prof. Eldritch Von Der Void Presents a Lecture on the Radioactive Properties of Voidtranium.” (1932) – Image taken from the Universidad de Buenos Aires faculty newspaper, December 1932, Argentina.

The most academically accomplished of all monsters, holding sixteen PHD’s and speaking every language known to man, as well as several languages which aren’t. Prof. Eldritch Von Der Void is seen here teaching a lecture on the radioactive properties of Voidtranium, the only known stable dark matter element in existence, a material of extremely unusual properties which he claims to have discovered himself.

Professor Von Der Void’s illustrious tenure at Universidad de Buenos Aires came to an abrupt end during the autumn of 1947 when the faculty discovered that he had been luring his most quiet students to his office where he guzzled them up, chomping them down with his great carnivorous tentacled maw. Upon further investigation staff discovered that at least thirty seven of his students had been reported missing over the course of his twenty years at the University.

A monster of great intelligence, strategy and resources; Von Der Void disappeared into the aether and although he is being hunted by the full spectrum of international law enforcement agencies he has remained at large for the last seventy three years.

There have been unconfirmed reports that in spite of his fugitive status and taste for human flesh, Professor Van Der Void was covertly elected to a senior position on the secretive Controlling Council of non-other than the Monster Containment Bureau.  His unparalleled knowledge of Voidtranium and PHD’s in the monster behavioural sciences would make him an ideal candidate. Nonetheless the idea of man eating monster with the resources of an organisation like the Monster Containment Bureau at his tentacle tips is a very disturbing idea indeed. 

Recorded Sighting #38 - The Omega Seed (1929)

“The Floating Omega Seed Exercises its Dominion Over the Lost City of Fordhamlândia” (1929) – A rare image of the fall of Fordhamlândia, Pará, Brazil; Taken directly from the notebooks of billionaire industrialist Hendry Fordham.

In the latter half of the roaring twenties billionaire industrialist and producer of the famous Model-G Autocar Hendry Fordham invested vast sums of his own wealth in the dream of a capitalist utopia. After buying up a huge tract of land in the region of Pará, Brazil, Fordham immediately set to work on the construction of this large city characterized by clockwork precision and demanding production quotas.

Technically an independent state under the direct administration of the Fordham Corporation, Fordhamlândia thrived and business boomed. Having said that, its citizens were treated like mere cogs in a machine and industrial accidents were a fact of life; but then profit was always the objective here, and human wellbeing or happiness was considered consequential.

Disaster struck when the Fordham Botany Labs unearthed an ancient seed deep in the nearby jungle and naturally began experimenting on it to determine any nascent profit potential. What happened next is unclear as most of the Fordham Corporations files were intentionally destroyed; but we do know that the seed quickly bloomed to a gargantuan size, emanating mind controlling spores which rooted rapidly into the brains of local populace. You’ll be happy to hear that Fordham and his board of directors escaped unharmed, evacuating the city immediately by Rotocopter, abandoning his other citizen-employees in the process.

A fifty kilometre exclusion zone was quickly established by the Brazilian government for fear of spore contamination reaching the wider population and this has remained in place since.  Yet recent satellite imaging shows that the Omega Seed is still active, and that life goes on within Fordhamlândia. Although to what end, nobody knows.

Recorded Sighting # 40 John “The Revolting” Revolta (1995)

“John Revolta the Hellion of Horrible Hand Hygiene Salivates Over His Opportunity to Contaminate Yet Another Truck Stop Deli Counter” (1995) – Photograph taken by licenced haulier Bruno Buckingham shortly before a bout of violent gastric distress, at the Greasy Guts Truck Stop, Folkestone Road, Dover, Kent, United Kingdom.

A first cousin of Patty Hearse the Demonic Queen of Food Poisoning (Recorded Sighting #21), John Revolta the Hellion of Horrible Hand Hygiene has a presence so putrid that he curdles soap from one hundred paces away. His hands have gone unwashed during the course of an existence that has spanned millennia; as such his skin is a noxious petri dish of disgusting microorganisms, even housing a limited menagerie of small animals, carnivorous exotic insects and burrowing mites.

Expert Mycologists working with samples of his skin have recently discovered that Revolta mostly consists of a rare form of toxic sentient mould, and that he plants his spores in the corners of damp rooms; where they reproduce and eventually sprout creating more versions of himself. To make matters worse this walking cesspit loves to spread germs and bacteria any way he can, picking his nose and fiddling with foodstuffs, licking door handles, sneezing onto unattended cutlery, and generally spreading a slimy trail of contamination in his disgusting wake.

While we can never expect this stomach churning creature to become clean, and while we cannot know for certain where he has placed his slimy, dirty, mucousy mitts. We can at least remain vigilant against his vomitus virulence and protect ourselves by washing our own hands.

Recorded Sighting #42 – Queen Beatrice B. Buzzcuttle III (2007)

“Her Eminence Queen Beatrice B. Buzzcuttle III Greets Visitors and Foreign Dignitaries Before Her Coronation at the Grand Hive” (2007) – Photograph snapped by royal photography drone #251-Hzz at the Grand Hive, Silisili Mountain Peak, Samoa.

Queen Regent of the Grand Hive and principle ruler of the Giant Honey Bee Nation (G.H.B.N), Beatrice B. Buzzcuttle III is pictured here greeting crowds of well-wishers and journalists moments before her official coronation; and just hours before ordering hundreds of thousands of giant drones to spill forth from the Grand Hive in a devastating invasion of the island states of Polynesia. An act which would see every flower in the region stripped of its yellow gold, and local human populations subjugated to be pressed into service at Royal Jelly production plants.

Although this invasion was internationally condemned and declared by many nations as a war crime, and even though it has been followed in the years since by a series of slow, steady annexations of further territories; the international community has been remiss in intervening with either sanctions against the Giant Honey Bee Nation, or aid for the other effected countries.   

Economists and global political analysts are clear about this international hesitancy, the issue being that Giant Honey Bee Nation Royal Jelly is one of the most expensive and sought after commodities on the global market; with a multitude of vital industrial, infrastructural and pharmaceutical applications.

This exclusivity of supply means that although small, the Giant Honey Bee Nation is one of the most prosperous nations on earth, and that they have the power to withhold a key resource from any country which draws their ire. All this means Queen B.B. Buzzcuttle and her nation maintain a serious sting in their tail on the world stage, as no one wants to invoke her anger or provoke her swarm.

Yet her colonies are expanding ever outwards, with no sign of anyone yet repelling the buzzing golden guard of the Giant Honey Bee Nation from their borders.

Recorded Sighting #44 – The Miserable Monstrosity (1919)

“The Miserable Monstrosity Listlessly Meanders About in the Great Dismal Swamp” (1919) – Colorized daguerreotype taken by reclusive frontiersman Phineas R. Boondoggle, The Great Dismal Swamp, Virginia, USA 

A truly haunting sight to behold; the Miserable Monstrosity is an unusual entity in structure and form. Its lower half seems to be the body of a man dressed in some sort of ceremonial garb, and yet from its neck upwards swirls a ghostly vortex which reeks of an energy of great sadness and misery. In fact to come too close to this creature for any length of time results in a deep lethargy, progressing to a profound loss of joy or meaning in anything, and finally onwards towards a total collapse into deep despair.

Many a victim has become part of the Great Dismal Swamp in this way; succumbing to the draining presence of the Miserable Monstrosity, laid low by its overwhelming aura of sadness and simply lying down to surrender to the swamplands. It is odd to think that before the arrival of the Monstrosity in the area, the surrounding terrain had been filled with lush, verdant meadows and woodlands; and that on the original pioneer’s maps this area was actually named Sunnyvale.

Careful research into the creature’s ceremonial garb has revealed that it is the robe of a high priest of Melancholia; ancient worshippers of the realm of misery. This archaic order of monks would seek wisdom through sadness, affliction and more recently by chanting the lyrics of Michael Stipe.

Our monster researchers have theorized that the Miserable Monstrosity is what remains of a high priest of Melancholia. A true believer who once performed an ancient ritual upon himself that transformed his human body into a mighty conduit to channels the realm of misery; and in so doing, bringing a lot more sadness and perhaps a little more wisdom into this world.

Recorded Sighting #46 – The Control Node (1924)

“Emptied Automobiles are Left Idling as their Occupants, Victims of the Control Node, Flock Forth Like Moths to a Flame” (1924) – Scoop of the century by rabid conspiratorialist Trenton T Foyletat, Near Bitter Lake, Ontario, Canada.

This unidentified flying object first entered Earth’s atmosphere somewhere above the Arctic Circle before working its way south towards more densely populated areas. Once nearing congregated settlements The Control Node quickly went about hijacking local radio transmitters and other communications infrastructure, putting this manmade technology to its own use, amplifying a strange signal of unknown type.

Car radios, citizens band home radio sets, public emergency broadcast systems, military communications and any other devices that could receive and translate The Control Nodes signal suddenly flickered to life. Any human who was within earshot was almost instantly enslaved; inexorably drawn towards The Control Nodes landing site near Bitter Lake. Testimonies from local citizens with deafness and hearing impairments were enlightening; they each described an uncanny moment when those around them dropped everything and began to move with a bizarre unison uncharacteristic of normal human behaviour, something more akin to a murmuration of starlings or a teaming shoal of fish.

Upon reaching the site at Bitter Lake, those effected left their vehicles and boarded the alien object without hesitation. As the Node began to reach its capacity, people were even witnessed fighting and clamouring over each other in a desperate effort to board. Then once the Node had its fill, its doors suddenly slammed shut and it shot screaming upwards into the night sky, disappearing again forever.   

Debriefing interviews were conducted with the bewildered survivors who were left behind by the shores of the lake. These conversations established that while the content of what each survivor had heard over the radio was very different, they were all entranced by a message and promise of fulfilment, seemingly tailored to each of their deepest individual desires; and that they each experienced an ardent and irresistible psychological magnetism from which they could not break free.

Recorded Sighting #33 - The Haunted Head of Ballocunezzar (1939)

“A Soldier Points to the Haunted Head of Ballocunezzar” (1939) – Photo taken by local clergyman Fr. Jozef Tóth in the wreck of St.Egidus Cathederal, Bardejov, Slovakia

Late one stormy October evening in 1939 a five ton carved white marble head crashed through the roof of the famous St.Egidus Cathederal in Bardejov, laying ruin to this site of worship. Local mythologists and folklore experts soon identified this mysterious edifice as the Haunted Head of Ballocunezzar. Ballocunezzar was once revered in the area for hundreds of years as a form of scapegoat deity; locals would perform rituals to lay their deepest regrets upon the Haunted Head of Ballocunezzar in hopes that they could leave them behind. For the most part these rituals worked.

As such this Haunted Head has absorbed the energy of hundreds of thousands of regrets and radiates these outwards at anyone in the vicinity. A short burst is relatively harmless, feeling something akin to listening to a particularly whiney singer songwriter; but within a few short minutes exposure to this ‘Regret Radiation’ leads even those possessed of great mental and emotional fortitude through painful pangs and into florid hallucinations of regretful situations from their own past.

There are many theories about the reappearance of Ballocunezzar, but the incident has been linked to a nearby military plane crash that happened that same fateful night. The story goes that some foreign power had excavated the Haunted Head, and that they were clandestinely transporting it out of country with plans to weaponize ‘Regret Radiation’. Was it the stormy weather that put an end to their covert flight? Or the painful properties of the Haunted Head itself?

Where is it now? Some say it has been acquired by the advertising industry, and that they channel its powers to place a little pang of regret in every advert, about not owning one product or another. Who knows?

Recorded Sighting #35 -The Bird Watcher (1977)

“Photograph of a Bird Watcher with Scale Illustrated Cutaway of Crew Compartments” (1977) – Courtesy of Dr.Akari Ishii and the Crypto-Ornithology Department at the University of California.

Oh what gullible fools we all were to believe that the Owl was ever really a bird? After all, these miniature spy planes are equipped with the ability to fly silently, and boast a 360° rotating observation deck with high resolution night vision cameras. Fortunately the incredible truth was finally revealed to us by the famous Japanese Crypto-Ornithologist Dr.Akari Ishii.

During her groundbreaking studies of their late night hunting and mating calls, Dr. Ishii was the first to train a highly sensitive directional microphone on the species. To her immense surprise instead of picking up the expected sounds of a heart beating or a distinctive hooting, her recordings instead captured complex mechanical noises, computerised beeping and the faint sounds of human conversations.

Thus began a six week nocturnal pursuit ending in the capture of a prime specimen. Dissection was then carried out with a bone-saw as nothing else could pierce The Bird Watcher’s armoured interior. As laid out in the illustration above, Ishii discovered within an Internal Observation Deck, Crew Quarters, Briefing Room, Communications Centre and a Canteen. Yet the origin and mission of the tiny crew remain a mystery as they were all equipped with cyanide tablets.

At the time of course there was the usual finger pointing amongst the Cold War Superpowers, but clearly neither side possessed the advanced technology necessary to miniaturize a crew of twenty humans. Although they are no longer known as Owls, The Bird Watchers still persist in their clandestine observations to this day; and since the original capture they seem to have been upgraded with explosive self-destruct devices that ensure their origins remain undiscovered.

Recorded Sighting #37 - The Vengeful Gobbler (1999)

“The Vengeful Gobbler Gets the Drop on Some Pilgrims at a Thanksgiving Re- enactment” (1999) –Shot by Burt Mc Stuffingston on his Deluxo Camcorder shortly before his untimely demise at The Happy Pilgrim Re-enactment Village, Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts, USA.

This still image represents the calm before a storm, as moments later an intense scene of poultry based pandemonium would erupt that was so grizzly, so harrowing, and so frightful that it would go on to  mar the reputation of The Happy Pilgrim Re-enactment Village forever. Imagine an explosion of feathers, human giblets and straw hats, then you’re in the right ballpark.

Analysing old parish records of Thanksgiving celebrations reveals that the Vengeful Gobbler has quite a history, and was frequently mentioned as a prime suspect in missing villager cases during the early years of the feasts celebration. The Vengeful Gobbler, is a large Turkey like beast of over thirty five meters in height, and had commonly been witnessed attacking pilgrims before dragging them off into the woods to gobble them up. The Gobbler certainly covered a lot of ground as these original sightings spanned territory stretching throughout the entire foundling state of Massachusetts. Given the obvious similarities, local residents soon surmised that these attacks were in direct reprisal for the hefty quota of the Gobbler’s Turkey brethren consumed over the course of the festive season.

As time passed and settlements became larger and more organised the sightings of the Vengeful Gobbler dwindled and faded into memory, eventually to become regarded as little more than folk tales used by parents to get naughty children to go to bed.

That is until these grim events at Plymouth Rock in November of ’99 brought the Vengeful Gobbler back front and centre of international attention. Why the sudden reappearance? Some blamed the millennium, others blamed global warming, and others still blamed the military industrial complex. Yet no one has yet investigated a potential link between these events, and the then freshly opened Plymouth Poultry Pasting Ltd. The world’s largest exporter of tiny gross jars of Turkey Paste.

Recorded Sighting #39 -The Lunar Brothers (1926)

“The Lunar Brothers Relax Together on the Balcony of The Eclipse Casino” (1926) – Photograph taken by official royal photographer Mathieu Devereaux on the balcony of their newly opened Eclipse Casino, Route De La Piscine, Monte Carlo, Monaco.

A soon as The Lunar Brothers opened their Eclipse Casino on the Monte Carlo coastline it seemed to exert a tidal pull on the criminal community, drawing in a huge variety of rogues, rapscallions, mercenaries and vagabonds; quickly becoming a veritable hive of criminal activity. With a client base whose preferences and predilections were located decidedly on the dark side of the spectrum, and its prime location near the trade routes of the Mediterranean; The Eclipse had soon established itself as the central black market gateway between Europe, North Africa and the Baltic States.

Murder for hire, state secrets for sale, black market antiquities, gypsy curses for enemies, gambling on underground fights and Russian roulette; as well as a whole plethora of other illicit substances and activities were on offer in the backrooms and basements of The Eclipse Casino.

These infernal operations were presided over by underworld masterminds The Lunar Brothers, a pair of international evildoers that made their name by hatching grand criminal plots, cultivating military coups and building a cold, efficient network of violent enforcers. Make no mistake The Lunar Brothers while dapper, were monsters in every sense of the word, brutal and pitiless.

They travelled the world in a “moonlike” flying machine of mysterious construction, from which they took their name. This vessel would shuttle them around the globe at speeds unheard of even today; and this ability to be almost anywhere at once, was key in maintaining their vast international criminal empire. As was their tendency to engage in impulsive acts of extreme violence when slightly displeased or sensing the tiniest provocation. Those who knew the brothers often joked that there was never a sea of tranquillity to be found amongst this pair.

Recorded Sighting #41 – The Hells Terriers (1957)

“Fuelled By Whizz pop and Dog Biscuits, A Rampaging Pack of Hells Terriers Prepare to Finish Off a Wounded Dog Warden” (1957) – Original photograph shot by local busybody Assumpta O’Hoolahoop, Killala, County Mayo, Ireland.

The Hells Terriers were a roving cadre of cunning and calamitous canines that were said to resemble schoolchildren in both their stature and attire; but be forewarned that what might seem at first glance in this photo to be fanciful frolicking, or maybe even playful prancing, was nothing of the sort. You may rest assured that behind this thin veneer of innocence lays the stone cold hearts of the dogs of war.

For each member of the Hells Terriers was a committed anarchist revolutionary working to destroy the fabric of human society and the Dog Wardens that upheld it. These mangy monstrosities began life as a fringe anarchist organisation, but with the publication in 1955 of their now banned W.O.O.F (Wardens Oppress Our Freedoms) manifesto the group skyrocketed to notoriety and drew in canine recruits from all corners of the country.

Soon roving bands of dogsbody recruits terrorized towns and cities, accounting for the destruction of ninety percent of sweet shops, dog biscuit retailers and newsagents up and down the island of Ireland. With the popularity of the W.O.O.F manifesto growing and becoming an international concern, the government were forced to take the lead, entering into the largest dog warden recruitment campaign in world history.

After a hard fought campaign of many months this new army of wardens brought the simmering canine rising under control. The Hells Terriers themselves were impounded in high security kennels, and any remaining copies of the W.O.O.F manifesto were seized and destroyed; for fear that they could once again ignite a revolution.

Recorded Sighting #43 – Schrödangler’s Gnat (1939)

“Irvine Schrödangler desperately, patiently tries to ignore the eternal buzzing of his quantum gnat outside a café in Vienna” (1939) – Image captured through an adapted form of Kirlian photography by aural photography specialist Rajneesh Bagamam Muri.

During his now famous inquiry into quantum states of uncertainty, the Austrian physicist and Nobel Prize laureate Irvine Schrödangler trapped a Gnat in a small box with a vial of poison. Whence he began ranting ecstatically about wave functions, poisons, the Gnats mortal condition and some high ideas about when exactly quantum superpositions would collapse into unified states of reality. If all of this sounded convoluted, it’s because it was.

Who knows what subtle tear in the fabric of space-time had occurred within the box that day, but as his experiment concluded Schrödangler opened the container back up and unwittingly released the quantum Gnat back into the world. Through some strange quirk of the universe, the Gnat was now trapped in a state between two quantum realities, both alive and dead at the same time; and buzzing furiously to boot.

Thus began Schrödangler’s perpetual torment. This buzzing, ZZZzzing, bombinating creature would whiz about his head both night and day, as summer turned to winter and winter to summer. Forever the Gnat was unrelentingly haunting his waking hours, while determinedly depleting his sleeping ones; causing him to suffer a niggling nightmare without end.

How could he rid himself of this accursed creature? As the Gnat existed in a state between realities, it could not simply be removed by the mere swing of a rolled newspaper, and thus its endless buzzing mission persisted. Schrödangler often lamented that had he known this would happen; he would have experimented on a more agreeable companion such as a cat.

Thus the famous Physicist Irvine Schrödangler lived out the rest of his tortured days accompanied by his quantum Gnat, while trying to devise a form of interdimensional fly paper to grant his ears relief from this pestilent provocateur.

Recorded Sighting #45 – The Sparkling Sea Gate (2016)

“Yet Another Eerily Empty Ship Emerges from the Maw of the Sparkling Sea Gate” (2016) – Photographed by maverick coast guard captain Tobias Fishwrecker from aboard his patrol boat the ‘Celeste’, above the Mariana Trench, Western Pacific Ocean.

Stunning oceanographers the world over, The Sparkling Sea Gate emerged seemingly overnight as a giant rocky outcrop extended quickly upwards from the deepest depths of the Mariana Trench. This mysterious structure burst through the ocean’s surface until it reached a height several hundred meters above sea level. After a few initial hours of inactivity the Sea Gate suddenly gave out an awesome mechanical shriek, and every ship’s compass in the region shattered as the result of a huge surge of magnetic energy caused by the Sea Gate crackling to life.

Soon afterwards the “Ghost Ships” began to appear, passing into our world over the Gates sizzling energetic threshold. Trawlers, cargo vessels, cruise ships, an aircraft carrier, even a galleon have since appeared as if from nowhere; and every last one has been devoid of a single living soul.  

Whenever these vessels appear they are as a matter of routine boarded by the coast guard or navy and it is always as if their entire compliment had simply vanished just moments ago. Still warm breakfast buffets are laid out and waiting, bingo machines stand jumbling their balls in empty halls, fishing nets are prepared and ready, aircraft are loaded and prepared for take-off.  

The mystery deepens upon further inspection, as the ships are all registered to ports with unfamiliar names, located in unheard of countries, flying strange flags. A few of their manifests are in something close enough to English that it can be translated, but others are in words too foreign to our world to be deciphered.

Their charts and maps also outline unknown coastlines and continents, many of their own world maps even vary wildly from each other, indicating that the Sparkling Sea Gate is a bridge to not one but several worlds. Yet due to the absence of living things aboard the arriving vessels, no one has yet dared to enter the Sea Gate from our side.

Recorded Sighting #47 – Agent Double O-Rachnid (1962)

“Exemplary Field Agent Double O Rachnid Finally Comes in from the Cold After an Incredibly Dangerous Mission” (1962) – Classified staff dossier photograph documented by Ms Eve Spendapenny at the MI8 Headquarters, Undisclosed Location, Somewhere in London, U.K

Suave and self-assured, Double O Rachnid was originally recruited into her majesty’s secret service as an orphaned young spiderling by an MI8 handler, just days after his parents were killed by professional exterminators at a mansion house in the Scottish Highlands. Throughout his illustrious career Double O Rachnid often proved to be an unpredictable, highly creative and incredibly effective asset in the MI8 arsenal as they conducted their global counterintelligence operations against advanced monster threats.

Most monsters out there seem to be motivated by base needs and simple desires, but there is another class of villain who are ambitious, clever and highly organised. This is the advanced class of megalomaniacal monstrosities; those who are capable of spawning criminal syndicates, prosperous corporate conglomerates, cartels of cruelty, and otherwise clandestinely positioning themselves in positions of vast power. This league of dangerous devils has been known to overthrow governments, raise private armies and develop dastardly destructive technologies. As such they pose a real menace to human dominance; and it was specifically to combat these threats that MI8 and resourceful agents like Double O Rachnid were first developed and deployed.

With his uncanny knack for snaring enemy agents and evil doers in a charming web of deception, Double O Rachnid has octuple handily foiled over thirty two attempts to take over the world, been the fly in the ointment of at least seventy nine assassination plots and has disarmed twelve doomsday devices that we know of.

So on this, the eve of his retirement, we salute Double O Rachnid, the suavest and most sophisticated of Scottish spiders.